Ho Ho Ho Hector Hugh Munro

Mad bad procrastination today. Not so good for my future, but for the present I rediscovered after 40 years the wonderful short stories of Saki. Delightfully wicked ... The Lumber Room, The Open Window and, for cat-lovers, Tobermory. Really cheered me up.

Enter here.

Pronunciation is the Key

 

Sorting through some ESL folders I came across this lovely quote which the original poster attributed to Alan Bennett. 

Thinking about accents, mine is an utter mishmash of place and class, with an American 'R' rolling through every language I try to speak. It usually reflects that of the last person with whom I was speaking, although it strains towards RP when I'm reading or speaking in public (which many Americans find quite impressive. I remember once, after giving a eulogy in a small town in Virginia, a friend of the mourners came up to me and remarked, "I have no idea what you said, but it sounded gorgeous!"). I also have a football accent, a fact I only discovered after being interviewed outside Loftus Road before a match and listening back on the website later that day. It was quite subconscious, but apparently I feel the need to try and sound less posh. Sadly, however many glottal stops I may insert, I don't fool anyone. Sigh.

Official Funniest Jokes of All Time

So the list of the 50 funniest jokes of all time is in. Caveats include that the list was published in the Daily Mail, that the jokes are English ones, and that only 36k people voted. Bearing that in mind, here are my favourites, and the status they achieved in the poll:

49. A seal walks into a club...
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. (an old Tommy Cooper gag)
32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
8. Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'

I hated the number one joke, though. If you must know, have a look here.