Each year a host of one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival are voted upon and a Top Ten published. This year there appears to be one token funny woman. That sucks. The chosen few are:
10. My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances. (Nish Kumar)
9. I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: It's not rocket salad. (Lou Sanders)
8. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! (Stewart Francis)
7. Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating. (George Ryegold)
6. I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze. (Tim Vine)
5. I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know why. (Chris Turner)
4. You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case (Rob Beckett)
3. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. (Will Marsh)
2. Last night me and my girlfriend watched 3 DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. (Tim Vine)
1. You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks. (Stewart Francis)
My favourite is defo number 5, but then it's the most subtle :-) . Followed by number 3, for obvious reasons!
btw I presume that the only reason the winning joke works is because so many people know the names of the children. Otherwise, I would offer up Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London. His children are called:
Lara Lettice
Milo Arthur
Cassia Peaches
Theodore Apollo
Next to these names, I think that
Brooklyn Joseph
Romeo James
Cruz David
Harper Seven
look a bit tame, actually!
Showing posts with label edinburgh fringe festival. Show all posts
Showing posts with label edinburgh fringe festival. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Best and Worst Jokes in Edinburgh
From the Telegraph:
"Comedian Tim Vine has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe. The pun pundit, who won the Perrier newcomer award in 1995, was presented with his latest prize by digital TV channel Dave. His winning one-liner was: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." The award was judged by eight comedy critics, whose shortlist of 24 jokes went forward to a public vote.
The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:
1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
On receiving his prize, Vine said: "I am very happy to win this award and I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak".
Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of this year's Fringe, which included:
Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"
John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
Antopolski's inclusion in the "worst joke" list comes just a year after he won the Dave trophy.
His winning joke was: "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?""
Did any of these make you laugh? Have to admit, I kind of liked the chicken one and the lightbulb one.
"Comedian Tim Vine has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe. The pun pundit, who won the Perrier newcomer award in 1995, was presented with his latest prize by digital TV channel Dave. His winning one-liner was: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." The award was judged by eight comedy critics, whose shortlist of 24 jokes went forward to a public vote.
The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:
1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
On receiving his prize, Vine said: "I am very happy to win this award and I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak".
Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of this year's Fringe, which included:
Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"
John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
Antopolski's inclusion in the "worst joke" list comes just a year after he won the Dave trophy.
His winning joke was: "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?""
Did any of these make you laugh? Have to admit, I kind of liked the chicken one and the lightbulb one.
Friday, August 22, 2008
top ten funniest jokes from the edinburgh fringe festival
according to today's times online. some of them are actually funny, but there are a couple i just don't get (7 & 10). do you think it's cultural?
The top 10 funniest jokes from the Festival Fringe:
1. Zoe Lyons: "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."
2. Andrew Laurence: "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public."
3. Lloyd Langford: "My girlfriend said 'did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?'. 'Yes,' I said, 'but a gun is easier to conceal'."
4. Josie Long: "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said 'oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work."
5. Tim Vine: "Velcro. What a rip-off."
6. Stephen Grant: "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn't it be easier just to talk to a woman?"
7. Edward Aczel: "So far Bird Flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it's going to have killed 37 million. It's got to get going, hasn't it, if it's going to be the pandemic we've all been hoping for."
8. Joan Rivers: "Grandchildren can be f****** annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink?' It's like talking to a supermodel."
9. Tom Stade: "I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward."
10. Jeff Kreisler: "People were outraged because of Barack Obama's spiritual advisor. I think it's great he had one. Who was George Bush's spiritual advisor? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?"
The top 10 funniest jokes from the Festival Fringe:
1. Zoe Lyons: "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."
2. Andrew Laurence: "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public."
3. Lloyd Langford: "My girlfriend said 'did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?'. 'Yes,' I said, 'but a gun is easier to conceal'."
4. Josie Long: "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said 'oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work."
5. Tim Vine: "Velcro. What a rip-off."
6. Stephen Grant: "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn't it be easier just to talk to a woman?"
7. Edward Aczel: "So far Bird Flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it's going to have killed 37 million. It's got to get going, hasn't it, if it's going to be the pandemic we've all been hoping for."
8. Joan Rivers: "Grandchildren can be f****** annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink?' It's like talking to a supermodel."
9. Tom Stade: "I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward."
10. Jeff Kreisler: "People were outraged because of Barack Obama's spiritual advisor. I think it's great he had one. Who was George Bush's spiritual advisor? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)